Thrive Like Wildfire

Have you ever experienced a period of growth in your life? One where you wake up one morning and look around and feel like something is off. You go to your normal job, and it feels dull. You drive home, and you feel one step removed. Maybe you find yourself out at a bar on Saturday night and think “Am I really still doing this?” or even “Is this really what I want to be doing with my time?”. Let’s call this The Awakening.

The Awakening can happen multiple times in your life, but is most common during times when your surroundings, people, or even your mind is changing. One of the best examples for most is the transition from college to the adult world. Everything is new, the people, the place, even down to how you spend your time, so why not you too? It is a period of rapid growth that can feel highly uncomfortable. How could anyone love the feeling of being plunged into what feels like a completely new world?

This is exactly where I am at in my life right now. I started this journey knowing that I am uncomfortable in my current life, but I couldn’t quite pin down what was causing the feeling. As I listen to podcasts and read various lifestyle and self-help books, I am starting to pay attention to the things that bring me energy and the things that cause pain. I am currently reading (if i haven’t already mentioned this in my last post) The Way of Integrity by Martha Beck and listening to her podcast The Gathering Room. I know I mentioned that she is a little woowoo for me but one thing that is really sinking in is her discussion of following the things that feel right in your life. As I think about this day after day, I am beginning to realize that I don’t know what feeling right feels like at all.

To feel right, if I am understanding correctly, is like when you finally turn in that term paper, or your resignation letter and you breathe that huge sigh of relief. It is done. The suffering is over. The problem is that when we push ourselves down the path of safety and stability, we slowly and methodically strip that feeling away from us because the illusion of control gives us the immediate gratification. But it is a fleeting feeling and leaves us empty in the long run and we eventually forget what true “right” feels like all together. That is where I have found myself. Lost in the dark, not knowing what the next right step is. But what I do know, is that I am standing on hot coals. I know that where I am at is not what is right because I know that my life is not meant to feel like constant discomfort or pain.

After reflecting on this idea, I determined that I lost my way and veered towards pain when I pushed myself through school, even after I failed out of my program. My soul was trying to stop me then and there, but I pushed it aside and I chose the illusion of control which landed me in the coals.

Finding your integrity and your purpose starts here. In this realm of discomfort. They say with addiction that the first step is admitting you have a problem… well the same thing goes for this. I have an addition to control. I have been told for years that this is how you succeed, as long as you control your moves toward the goal. Well, how can I succeed mentally, physically, or financially when society is pushing me down a route where I sit on my a** in front of a screen all day, with little human interaction, so that I can get a paycheck, so that I can afford a downpayment for a big beautiful house on a lake that will put me in a life time of debt, which will ensure I never get to enjoy it because I am too busy trying to work to pay it off? Makes a lot of sense…. doesn’t it? But somehow… a part of me still wants that house on the lake, or rather, to control my moves towards the “goal”. But why does this have to be the goal? Why do we suffer to get there? What if there is a better goal out there that doesn’t involve pain?

If you are resonate with this at all… I urge you to stand there in your burning coals, and really take it in. Really feel how painful this is deep in your soul. It may take a few weeks of consistently putting yourself in that place to feel it all, but it is coming. Your eyes will open to it. I am doing it right along with you.

The one thing I will warn you against is making the huge jump to overhaul your life. Now, obviously, I haven’t experienced this myself, but I have heard several people who have made similar journeys warn against it. One thing I have taken away from my time as an Engineer is that you should pay attention when patterns emerge. So, let’s wait on that and find out what comes next together.

I love you very much little embers. Our time is coming. I can feel it. If you do too, I would love for you to take this journey with me and share your experiences in the comments. Until next time ❤